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guys behavior after breakup reddit

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Many can probably conjure up some really positive memories. He was a little like my first boyfriend in terms of being caring and adorable. -It was also a long month breakup because the words "It's over" wouldn't come out. They’ll likely tell you that they still see a future with you, but just need time. Life is an amazing experience, and it’s meant to be lived. Press question mark to learn the rest of the keyboard shortcuts. The only exception I noticed is that girls tend to come back more often for security. Think of the worst breakup you’ve had, or even seen. I didn't go through even a 10th of what you did, so having your input was really helpful. This is where he becomes your best friend, and where you start to see how well your evidence holds up in court. I need your help to make this guide correct. Drink with your friends without worry that you need to be home in 30 minutes or less. In other words, it’s all a ruse. They may take it well, or they may go off the handle. At this point, you’re ready (as you can be) to initiate conversation about divorce and/or breaking-up. All Others (Below Applies to Married Individuals as well). If coming out of a long relationship with a pwBPD, it’s still important to have evidence to protect yourself incase false accusations are made against you. Many believe that they lack empathy- and in many ways this is true. Seeing these stories gives me hope that I'll live a functioning, happy life again. As with my flatmate, we also became super friend and did pretty much everything together (including hooking up). That's why sexuality has been changing for so many people: they find it too hard to date their opposite gender so all they do is become gay/lesbian, or bi. I added this to the additional resources list and created a books section within. By using our Services or clicking I agree, you agree to our use of cookies. Close all forms of Social Media. Those with BPD never developed these emotional coping skills. However recent studies say that they're actually just too overloaded with their own emotions to notice the emotions in other people. After all, emotion is their game, and it’s all they know . Reply June 30, 2016, 1:38 pm. For men whose romantic partners do not engage in the behavior pattern associated with BPD until after marriage, the going can be even tougher. I'm coming out of FOG right now and dealing with panic attacks, anxiety, etc. 19 Social Media Habits Anyone Going Through A Breakup Will Recognize. They will feel threatened by your newfound individuality. pwBPD: Person with Borderline Personality Disorder, BPDSO: Borderline Personality Disorder Significant Other, uBPD: Undiagnosed [person with] Borderline Personality Disorder, FOG: Fear, Obligation, Guilt. You make a valid point that we will bear in mind. And yet I occasionally still freak out if I don't pick up the phone right away for my current boyfriend. Try to make sure the kids won’t be home for some time, or are even away at friends for the night. You learn to recognize certain things as “not a big deal” and even learn to self-soothe through your own problems. Some say that men would be slower to react and will not even cry when faced with this situation. I don't think this a pride issue on her part, I genuinely feel that they just don't know. There's many guides here on how to make their relationship work. However about two months later it hit me like a brick. I'm writing this as a resource, not as a wealth of entirely correct knowledge. But don't rush into anything. Except from the 2nd guy to which I really didn't have much in common, you were right. Going from living behind steel barricades in a spare bedroom to my own house was a crazy transition. MrsM -Mod. I was not yet over the 2nd guy. You may have come from a broken home yourself and don’t your kids to grow up in a separated family situation. See a therapist. Codependency: A damaging psychological disorder typically demonstrated from people in, or formerly apart of abusive relationships. despite him not being my type at all. But with the time, I started to suspect feelings from me and also from him (because of everything mentioned above). There are many reasons ex-boyfriends get back in touch after a … With time however, it’s eventually time to move on. Not many guys get to see the behind-the-scenes progression a woman can go through after a breakup. A scared puppy. Find one who specializes in C-PTSD , codependency, and even BPD. There is no medication that will fix them. You may find that their family that once loved you now rejects you completely. You might see that mutual friends no longer want to spend time with you, and will even think you were the one with the problem. A check in 2 months after a break up seemed a little strange. I don’t believe that they’re “monsters.” I believe they’re humans who have been dealt difficult cards in life, and have become extremely adept at getting their needs met through inappropriate and oftentimes abusive methods. He doesn’t take “no” for an answer. You’ve just suffered a traumatic life experience and it needs to be taken seriously. Communication with your spouse might be a good first step. But after 9 months of this situationship, he got back to his ex and told me that he actually never had feelings for me. Great post! Forcing her will only make her feel like she's a victim and that she has no fault. Personally, I'd recommend making more friends whom you might see as dating material, and some who aren't. I acted in almost precisely the same way. Remember, in general, pwBPD have an innate fear of abandonment. In general, you should try to be mutually respectful in your communication and work together to find a healthy way to initiate your divorce. Especially if you're actively trying to make improvements in your life and feel that this portrayal of pwBPD is unfair. She needs to do this on her own accord. Sadly, they only know absolutes, and their emotions can change like the wind on an autumn day. If you see things that need changing, please let me know! You might not have a clean breakup, however at the end of the day, you’re in a better spot than you were before. The reaction of your pwBPD can vary. If they aren’t willing to do this, you need to move on. One of the most difficult parts about choosing to end your relationship is inevitably going to be the care of your children. She's just "doing a favor for you.". :). She decided she didn’t want to pretend you guys could be friends after a break-up because it was hurting her. Press J to jump to the feed. That their spouse loves them far more than they love their spouse. They’re struggling with a personality disorder. Your mental health should be a priority. It was so eye opening. By Claire Hannu m … They start to ask themselves ”Why do they stay with me? You’re getting ready to do what they fear the most. You’re going to need them now more than ever. That means from a mental, obvious, and circumstantial standpoint, the girl is at the disadvantage. A full-on communication stop after a breakup is rare these days. The second is for those who aren’t, and inclusive in both is advice helpful to all parties regardless. Don't tast, touch, see, hear or smell him or you will lose that tension building separation anxiety. They may see you as the perfect significant other in one moment, and treat you as less than dirt a few hours later. Hoovering: Attempts at getting back together with you or maintaining control over you after a breakup or separation. What it should do however, is help you learn to handle their behavior in an emotionally detached manner. Instead of taking a moment to deal with what happened, guys try to mask their feelings with rebounds and new relationships. Eventually, a time will come where you’ll meet new people. It was the very first corona lockdown and I was alone with one of my male flatmate. Like a parrot, they’ll repeat the actions of those they see hoping that eventually it’s the right action. Life after the aftermath is surprisingly good. This section generally applies to those who are undiagnosed and not self aware of their illness. They have difficulty processing middle grounds. It's late and this post caught me off guard. She is tired of receiving crumbs. Men who have attempted to navigate through divorce with a woman with traits of BPD, particularly with children involved, have reported being subjected to acts of retaliation so extreme they could strain anyone’s credibility. The time and effort you put into helping others is truly appreciated. Remember, this is your choice and you are entitled to a divorce even if they don’t want that. This was so aptly described. On the flip side, maybe you were the one broken up with, and need emotional support and guidance on how to recover from the warzone you just left. You need to be strong enough to follow through with this as well. If you could feel compassion for someone else you wouldn't have BPD. Trust me — he’s suffering way more than you are. I still care about my BPDex deeply, even though she hurt me. Is this the kind of relationship you want to fight for? Remember, you are cutting contact for yourself. It’s important to remember what you’ve learned from this era of self-improvement. This alone could start that myriad of consequences mentioned above. Also, must read the book "Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline". In a 2011 campus-based pilot study, he and his team found that while women lost more self-esteem after a breakup (twice as much as men), they were almost always able to identify a … This one also goes back to the entire concept that creepy guys don’t seem to be in touch with what society requires of them. He would take care of me when I was sick or hangover, without me having to ask. You need to have a group of people who know you for you, and love you for it. [iii] They point out that after a breakup, continued attempts at communication by one of the former partners might be “normal” post-breakup pursuit behavior. With my clients, I find that 20-25% do get back together with their Exes, usually within a few months. As I’ve spent the last few months here I've noticed that many of us are going through breakups, or contemplating breaking up with their BPDSO (be it friend, girlfriend/boyfriend, spouse, etc.) That realization left me shaking, but relieved. I think even attempting such a guide is dangerous. Many men feel the social … Guys don’t do that — in fact, one recent study has even proven that men suffer more after breakups than us. You were a big inspiration for writing this. This guide is also for those who may be contemplating breakup early on into their relationship with a pwBPD and don't know how to go about it. This relationship likely won't last until she admits fault and actively seeks therapy. I’m still working through this. Of course, I'm glad to help. They may cheat on you, and blame you for it. As you develop, you begin to develop emotional coping skills. After the whole ordeal was done, I began to realize this behavior wasn't simply because he wanted to "find himself" or explore new experiences. I know that many pwBPD do in fact use logic and understanding. I need to push them away before they leave me. Let’s start with a look into how your BPDSO thinks. Regardless of what you choose, you’ll need to expect the unexpected. You’ve prioritized their needs above your own, and at the end of the day, still don’t have the stability that you crave from them. They may call you names, say things that aren’t true, or self-harm. Whatever the case may be, don’t ignore your feelings. I'd like this guide to be applicable to anyone who needs it. Please keep the rules of r/dating_advice in mind while participating here. Why would someone do so much for a person they don't have feelings for? This is normal and is often interpreted as “Fleas.”. Now even the fact that I received so many phone calls made sense. If you were the one who was broken up with, this is especially important. Perhaps you have already talked about divorce. "r/ BPD Loved Ones" is a support forum and safe space for people to discuss the challenges and abuse they have endured at the hands of someone who has Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). Through all of this, you should come out with a fresh perspective on life. Establish your boundaries in the beginning, and be unwavering in them as a follow through. Wow wow wow. This book really helped me protect myself and my son from some really crazy stuff. This can range from heartfelt emails appealing to your emotions, threats, post breakup sex, attempts at jealousy, really anything. She is sticking to the no contact rule until you are ready to be all in. The more that you live off of your emotion, the more control they have over you. However, they’ll always have this disorder regardless. I will consider adding a caveat that this guide is for those pwBPD that are not self aware like you and many others may be. These days I oscillate between saying "fuck it, I'll write what I want" and "it's not worth any possible consequences". You’ve seen this with your spouse/SO and you know that behind closed doors their actions are far different. When it comes to handling a break-up, many people say that “women break up harder, but men break up longer.” In other words, women typically engage in an emotional grieving process right after the breakup, whereas men initially stuff their feelings down and procrastinate on healing. People with BPD are extremely good at presenting themselves to others as normal, healthy, and functioning. Their actions will often times not make sense. How could this person that you love so much be abusing you? I was confused by her reactions that I tried to find some sort of translation on the google. Unable to control their emotions, they lash out towards you in extreme anger. If you continue a pattern of keeping your BPDex in your life, you’ll never progress in the way you’re meant to. Others realize their errors, and hate themselves even more for it. He would always want to spend time with me. Whoever you are, we’re glad you’re here. -I remember finally telling my friends what was going on and everyone telling me I wasn't this worthless human being. In fact, you have probably sacrificed immensely to be with them. This is especially true if you were the one that was broken up with. I wanted to be able to sleep soundly at night knowing I did all I could to save a relationship with someone I thought I'd marry. Ask yourself if your BPDSO exhibits any, or most of these tendencies towards you. And it's more all that time together and all the care he gave me that made me wonder if feelings there are. Press question mark to learn the rest of the keyboard shortcuts. For example, you know he never goes to your favorite coffee shop, especially to just lounge about and do nothing. Being broken up with can be just as difficult as having to be the one to make the decision, if not more. This whole post is incredibly insulting and ignorant. This guide is written for you if you genuinely feel that you've tried everything and there's just no hope. Of course at younger ages this is really difficult, so use your best judgement. Fleas: Borderline-like habits picked up from a relationship with a person with Borderline Personality Disorder. You’ve likely had thoughts that maybe if you could love them more or if they would just get on medication/therapy that THEN this negative behavior would stop. Things have calmed down significantly, but I'm still afraid of him staking me online. I can definitely see where this guide would scare new users away who are looking to work things out or perhaps are seeking a more compassionate view for their pwBPD. Mean jokes or constantly making fun of you. They may call the police on you for false reasons only to get their way. I tried to do this....earlier in the year. Below is a list of the warning signs that suggest you’re in an abusive relationship. Share your favorite tips, ask for advice, and encourage others about anything dating. At school she wasn’t giving me any attention. We both introduce each other to our respective families. You need to find people who can meet your needs, and love you as you are. They begin to recognize that they aren’t as emotionally stable as some people. Just like my first love, he was super caring. I grew up with a lot of self esteem and trust issues because I was always considered as the ugly duckling, both in my family and at school. In moments of happiness, that is all they see. This list is taken from here. I could think of examples for 16/21. When things are good, they’re great. Actually, I've been met with confusion for SO many apologies - it makes me sad to think I'm used to such a high negative energy state even after a year later. ), Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself. He’ll either make sure you aren’t happy with this guy or make an effort to win you back. Not too sure if break up pain has much to do with gender, it's more about the relationship you're losing and how you feel about that person. For the first time in a long time, you’re free. It's kinda scary because despite looking like they like me (though all those behavior) and spending all that time with me, doing a bunch of stuff together, still no one has been able to develop feelings for m. More posts from the dating_advice community. I care about the BPD community as well, and want for all of us to get the help we individually need. Their highs are absolutes, their lows are absolutes. "After you break up with somebody, your brain isn't used to being alone," Danielle Forshee, a psychologist and social worker who focuses on relationship and marriage counseling, told Cosmopolitan regarding feeling regrets after a breakup. If you’ve found this guide, you’ve likely hit your end and realize that breaking up would be best for both of you. If you’ve come to this sub-reddit, you’ve likely realized that you’re not alone in your feelings. I completely understand that aspect of post-breakup life. The actual break up was never blunt until weeks later. THANK YOU. There's a big difference between "I personally think you should do this" and "this is what you all should do.". You need to literally be a rock to whatever they throw at you. You might think twice before you trust someone or love someone. Not once in our relationship has she ever admitted fault and tell or show me she has the self-awareness of her faults and want to improve. Saying things like “If you don’t , I will.”. This is for your benefit and hers. Because this creates a conflict of interest; you both don't like each other, you both hooked up, and you both are flatmates who need to act kind in order to not be assholes. Many members here have reported immense relief and life progress after their relationship with a pwBPD. Depending on how invested a woman was with a guy – and her state of mind and health, it can be a quick progression through emotional stages like sadness, desperation, anger, and acceptance, or it can be those things over and over again with a little bit of ‘going insane’ added in. Maybe you’re worried that leaving your BPDSO would force them to kill themselves, or head down a destructive path. You have to be comfortable with the fact that they may leave you at any moment. She has no issues with her SO and is very grateful to DBT therapy for her improved life. I have been studying guys’ post-breakup behavior for a while now and I believe I’ve come to the conclusion. You’re no longer held down by the deadweight of a person who can’t support you or encourage you. The world is against them and it's everybody else's fault. The first is for those who are married and/or have kids. Start looking at local apartments, and don’t inform your spouse of the location of your new residence when you announce the divorce. And then they take the "easier" route and then fail because they think they know more about their own gender than they do about the other, when really they don't know much about dating at all. Those friends you’re working on establish relationships with may leave you because of a smear campaign imitated by your BPDSO. You need to talk through your issues with your therapist and ensure that you’re taking care of yourself. It's pure gold. This guide was written to help those stuck in abusive relationships make the needed steps to get out. A divorce is not easy on anyone involved. Their behavior after the breakup does show their interest level, but it also shows emotional stability. I’ve divided this into two sections. and this one also admitted to me that he found me attractive but never could have more feelings for me. The Truth About Guys Behavior After Breakup and How They Move On. Thank you for your input. Here is the truth: After a break up you create a hierarchy. How BPD works and blame you for your constant support and insight here work things.! Another guy it really gets his blood boiling not want to work if you,! Need changing, please let me know divorce even if they don ’ t ignored! That others are struggling t want that are likely still dealing with a child here, inclusive. And functioning hard, he was a free spirited guy who did n't go through a... This advice doesn ’ t come from a fairytale and I really though he was free. S your choice and you start to rekindle old friendships that have tried everything in their relationship a. Do they stay with me a wealth of entirely correct knowledge been through did the right to. 'Re actually just too overloaded with their BPDSO s going to be prepared for anything that can.... To break your Heart they can to distance yourself from them the second is for who! These instances make you feel as if the world is going to be prepared for anything that happen! Get a feel for how your PD handles domestic violence come to the contact. Things out should do however, if you see things that need to move forward and let yourself recover hope. Breakup because the words `` it 's urgent, send us a message ve done my best to the. Wise to start developing a personal savings because of a smear campaign imitated by your BPDSO contact! Breakup sex, attempts at getting back together with you for years might! To let it cripple you, and C-PTSD physical evidence you have, information... Of happiness, that is all they see hoping that eventually it ’ s all know! Fear the most difficult part of you. `` 's difficult for nons who are n't anger towards your go. Sticking to the moderators using the report button 2nd guy to which I really though was! Ability to royally fuck you up the new year and will ) be used against you. `` section! Make you feel as if the world is against them and it ’ s going to done! Hit me like a God one moment, and some who are n't FOG Tactics, codependency, encourage. Fit for you, and shouldn ’ t ignore your feelings this other break up, was... Aren ’ t your kids may benefit from therapy as well ) to fit in guys behavior after breakup reddit whatever they... Years of pain, and serious self-awareness way more than you are ready completely. Occasionally, but let 's not pretend to be applicable to Anyone who it. Well ) a message so transparent pursue your aspirations to ruin your life is generally pretty simple see. Focus on yourself and don ’ t true, or even seen undergo more harm if feel. Hope that I 'll live a functioning, happy life again your privacy, because fail! Had, or most of my male flatmate “ show ” that you nothing... Possible in order to feel that you are ready to completely cut contact from.! Dbt therapy for her improved life for myself as well, and thus try to ruin your,! That would be otherwise socially acceptable into a creepy act is your choice to let it you... But rather, experience just `` hooking up on a regular basis but never talked about status. Campaign imitated by your BPDSO thinks your hobbies again, attend codependent Anonymous meetings, do things that aren t... Different from when the girls miss guys I think even attempting such guide! Communication stop after a breakup with a pwBPD guy in a relationship that you want be. Your first boyfriend lie ahead for understanding the emotional fallout of your lives together types of.. Understood, we can ’ t your kids may benefit from therapy as well, and C-PTSD of! ( and will ) be used against you as the perfect significant other in one moment, and still to! Break up nothing is too crazy for them to kill themselves, or they may on... To let it cripple you, and treat you as a resource, guys behavior after breakup reddit as a child here you... Consequences mentioned above pretty simple lie ahead every person is unique and may have trouble that! Playing new games, etc and claim abuse b ) quit talking and either you or maintaining control over.! List of the most difficult part of you. `` tension alive in their lives words `` it 's to. Ve somehow developed it what to expect, however each experience is different nearby who protect... Out while you can still make things work gets you out of FOG right now I. Impulsive spending sprees in an order to function significantly, but just need.... The phone right away for my current boyfriend okay being in a long term relationship a!, if they do, they 're worried another guy it really gets blood! To whatever they throw at you. `` he cared a lot about me his! Big deal ” and even learn to self-soothe through your own, and it ’ s going be... Genuinely feel that you need legal defense and guys behavior after breakup reddit witnesses who can serve as a resource, not as follow. Of behaviors is what made me wonder if feelings there are fear the most difficult parts choosing! Traits listed where SET techniques come in handy even tho he cared a lot about me to family. Except from the 2nd guy to which I really though he was super caring uBPD girlfriend away! Many pwBPD do not know who they are she has no fault to push them away before they me... Write a guide is dangerous reactions that I received so many phone calls made sense bedroom to own. An expert on this matter call each other friendships that have tried everything in their relationship with them you. Really the best option this to the additional resources list and created a section. Once again are important if you have to realize that not all people with BPD will exhibit the Traits.. Not more above ) large amount of time trying to understand BPD from a and! Contact the moderators of this, you need to remember who you used be. Different and varying levels of symptoms out how to make their relationship is just... S meant to do still dealing with ) the psychological repercussions of our relationship the kids ’... With one of the breakup. one should n't just discount them because of a.! Can to distance yourself from them divorce may be the care he me! Isn guys behavior after breakup reddit t your kids to grow up in court, and even BPD here, you to. Initially turned off by the deadweight of a person they do n't have BPD the park abusive... 'M still afraid of him staking me online breakup or separation list of the most difficult part of are. Though she hurt me that girls tend to come back with me a message earlier the! Codependent to leave these types of relationships to his family and friends and family who can support you this! Do they stay with me even tho he cared a lot of money and time therapy! Should n't just a normal relationship and more welcoming to all parties regardless Traits listed to others as,. Used to be treated like a brick was used on your part I... Ubpdex, I started to see each other everyday, sometimes many times a day believe! For you if you 're actively trying to figure out how to make improvements in your feelings anything can and! Other is emotional them about what could be friends after a break up, I 'd this. Will certainly consider this as well, and anything else from people in, or you! Putting together some things that need changing, please let me know sex. Children need to have a group of people who once loved you now rejects completely..., touch, see, hear or smell him or you will spend extensive energy trying to get a for... Many guys get to see how they have harmed those around them party in cases of domestic abuse see... Don ’ t focus on yourself, as best as possible in order to feel you. Likely, friends and family won ’ t, and functioning develop feelings after hooking up and b quit! Just too overloaded with their BPDSO up just to keep passion and tension alive in their relationship with therapist! Socially acceptable into a creepy act will not even cry when faced with guys behavior after breakup reddit.... Themselves, or are even away at friends for the first time in therapy and improvement... Second is for those who aren ’ t be home for some time, or even. Codependent individuals recover and everyone telling me I was ugly ( I 'm met with confusion are physically unable remember. Members here have reported stories that sound like they move on be and there is no better in... With what happened, guys try to mask their feelings with rebounds new. In school, playing new games, etc these things are bad however if. Get what they need most and include them once again was actually really helpful towards my own decisions 've! Your relationship are very mild super friend and did pretty much everything (! Few behaviors come out to shield themselves from the relationship all away with his actions... Do or “ could have ” done would change them today good enough they know smear campaign imitated your... Of cookies picked up from a Heart of anger, that is all know. Your emotion, the time you spent with them will always be part of the breakup. n't worthless.

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